Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
