Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
