i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize