I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
