If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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