she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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