i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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