My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
