she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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