peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize