i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize