Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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