I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
