His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
