ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
