i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
