I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Randomize
