Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
