I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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