I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
