like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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