Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
