I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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