she told me i tasted like america
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
