dude i'm inner monologue high
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
