dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
