I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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