I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
