; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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