I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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