i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
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