tell your sister to shave her snatch
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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