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Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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