Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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