walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
