Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
