LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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