you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
