planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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