Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
