i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
