I feel like I'm in dance class right now
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
