In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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