i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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