Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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