this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
