Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize