Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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