So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
