i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
