if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
