she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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