You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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