Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
