i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
