Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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