if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
