My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
