onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize