I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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