I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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