I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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